SATIRE · Human Deprecation Notice

Your Job Has Been Saved. Please Do Not Perform It.

A fictional factory has protected every employee's position by moving the actual occupation somewhere employees are no longer permitted to reach.

By The Deprecation Desk · October 19, 2026

The badge still opened the door. The job no longer did.

The entirely fictional Continuity Works has announced a successful employment-preservation program. Every worker still has a badge, a locker, and a reassuring paragraph from management. The work itself has been transferred to machines for safekeeping.

The change began sensibly enough. Robotic equipment took over repetitive lifting, awkward handling, and tasks that had previously required a person's back to serve as a replaceable component. Employees welcomed this development. Management worried that an improvement so comprehensible might not justify a sufficiently large presentation.

A second phase therefore introduced protected employment, under which workers retained their job titles but were discouraged from practicing the activities that had given those titles meaning. A machinist became a Senior Readiness Associate. A maintenance technician became a Human Availability Partner. Both were issued new lanyards.

The daily routine is straightforward. Employees arrive, verify that they remain employed, and wait for a system to require something it cannot describe. A green dashboard means no intervention is needed. A red dashboard means intervention is urgently needed, preferably from someone who has not been allowed to intervene for several months.

Training has been modernized accordingly. The old course explained how the equipment worked. The new course explains where to stand while it works. An advanced module covers pressing a button marked ESCALATE, followed by a reminder that escalation is not the same thing as knowing what went wrong.

The plant's fictional retention committee reported that nobody had lost a position. Questions about discretion, craftsmanship, progression, or the opportunity to become better at something were classified as requests for additional features. The committee said these would be considered after the next productivity celebration.

One worker asked whether preserving a job might include preserving the ability to do it. The suggestion was referred to the department responsible for sentiment. Its automated response thanked him for his commitment to continuous improvement and advised him not to touch the tools.

The tools had been placed in a transparent cabinet. This arrangement allowed the worker to maintain a visual relationship with his profession while preventing an unauthorized practical one. A sign assured him that his experience remained invaluable, provided it did not interrupt the workflow.

During a later stoppage, the worker identified a loose connector, made the line safe, and helped a technician restore production. The intervention took minutes. Management recorded the event as an encouraging example of human adaptability, then opened an inquiry into why he had retained so much usable knowledge.

The factory has since introduced a more sophisticated definition of job protection. Employees will continue to be paid to remain available, but competence must now be declared before entering the building. Undeclared judgment may be treated as an incompatible attachment.

At the end of the shift, the worker received a certificate confirming that his future had been secured. He put it in the locker beside his unused gloves. The certificate had been produced automatically, which everyone agreed was a considerable saving.

Source: Reuters, via Global Banking & Finance Review