SATIRE · Human Deprecation Notice

The Toaster Has Requested That We Clarify Our Intentions

A household appliance has once again been asked to perform a task whose instructions are visible from across the kitchen.

By The Deprecation Desk · October 10, 2026

The bread was present. The outlet was available. The human being had, in principle, completed the difficult part.

At 7:18 on a weekday morning, a resident entered the kitchen, located a toaster, and placed a loaf of bread within its immediate jurisdiction. The resulting pause lasted long enough for coffee to become a theory rather than a beverage.

Witnesses report that no malfunction occurred. The appliance simply awaited a person willing to lower a lever. The person, meanwhile, appeared to be waiting for an instruction more authoritative than the lever itself.

The incident has been entered into the public record as a reminder that convenience is not the same thing as competence, although both can be ordered with sufficient confidence.